The End of an Era.

Six years ago today, my faith as I knew it came to a sudden, unwelcome, and crumbling hault. I was sitting at Qdoba with my then youth-pastor and in the middle of my perfectly delicious burrito (and before I even got to my cookie), one of my worst fears came to fruition.

I was being outed to my church. 

It wasn't a decision that I got to make, it wasn't a situation that I had any control in. I was called out, blindsided and totally powerless in revealing one of my deepest and most personal struggles to the group of people I feared sharing it with most. When the conversation ended, I thought we had agreed to carry forward in confidence and not share this piece of information with others, but to talk about it amongst the three of us.

The next morning, my phone rang and it was the pastor of my then-church. My heart sank and I knew where the call was headed. We agreed to meet for coffee, where my sexuality was compared to alcoholism and my faithfulness as a Christian was questioned. I was given a packet of articles from Exodus International (an ex-gay "ministry" which has since disbanded and publically apologized for their methods and views), which I agreed to read in it's entirety. The following Sunday, the legs of my faith were ripped off.

I was informed that I would no longer be allowed to sing on the praise team, teach Sunday School, help with Vacation Bible School, lead Bible studies, etc. until I "figured out" and "made right" my sexuality. I wasn't kicked out or asked to leave, but every single reason I had to stay was taken away.

I was formally and officially rejected by the church until I could get my sexuality "right." (My words, not theirs.) I was no longer good enough to actively engage in worship with them. 

There were a lot of things I wasn't sure about and a lot of my faith that I questioned, but I never doubted that God loved me, unconditionally and made no mistaking when She made me gay. I had a very difficult decision to make: to fight against the way I was being treated and knowingly cause division within the church I'd been a part of since the day it opened it's doors, or leave quietly and find a new faith community, where I would be accepted and loved, unconditionally.

It was likely the most difficult decision that I've ever made. The journey of finding a new faith community felt like it would never end, but I finally did. My new community has enriched me, inspired me, challenged me, frustrated me, broken me, and put me back together. But most of all, they have loved me.

Fast forward six years to last Wednesday night. Wednesday, January 22, 2014. A day I will not soon forget. At the annual meeting of our congregation, we voted to adopt an Open & Affirming Covenant. An official covenant where people are named as valuable, perfect and welcomed Children of God, just as they are. 

"We, First Congregational Church of Greeley, United Church of Christ, are an Open and Affirming congregation. We welcome people of every race, national/ethnic origin, language, sexual orientation, gender identitiy, age, family organizaiton, economic status, political belief, ability, faith origin or religious belief.

Our God calls us to create a sacred and safe place where all are loved as Jesus loved. We seek pace and justice for our church family, our community and the world."

Six years ago, I was formally rejected by the chruch I'd grown up in because of my sexuality. Six days ago, I was formally accepted by the church I've chosen as my own, embracing my sexuality.

As the the tally of votes were announced, 121 people in the room of 123 stood up for me, agreeing to love me, accept me, and value me. The overwhelming feeling of closure on formal rejection, the unconditional love I felt, and the validation that God cared about me, too, brought tears to my eyes. And as I wept, I knew that the era of hurt and rejection I'd walked through had officially ended. As much as I knew that I was loved and accepted before, it was a formal end to formal beginning.

First Congregational Church of Greeley, United Church of Christ, thank you. Thank you for spending six long years, putting the pieces back together and healing my hurt. You are my family. And you inspire me in so many ways. 

Traditions.

I have a long-standing New Year's Eve tradition. Every year on NYE, I write. About the last year... About what it's been, what's happened and what it's meant. And since we're having friends over this year, I'm writing earlier in the evening than usual. I think the tradition started out of sheer need to keep myself awake for the two hours between bedtime (10pm) and the new year. And I've stuck to it ever since. So this year, even though it's only 7pm, I'm taking a few minutes to reflect.

I can't believe what a year it's been! I started doing sales for my family, traveled to sales meetings, took the youth from our church on a number of activities and outings, asked for and was given in-discernment status with my church and association, competed for a second year with my chorus, squeezed in a few quick trips to see friends, began a new relationship, joined the Spiritual Growth mission group and church Cabinet... I can't even count all the things I did!

But perhaps the most important thing I did this year was start school. In January, I finally started my undergrad. Settling back into the swing of school proved more difficult than I had originally thought. And taking classes online proved a challenge greater than I had expected. But I got through my first few online classes at Front Range. In the fall, I transferred to Aims and decided to give traditional classes a chance. I discovered that I'm really much, much better at those! I'm enjoying classes and excited to move on to another great semester.

Every year, in the beginning of the year, I pick a word or phrase that I choose to focus on through the year. This year, my phrase was "In everything: Grace, Mercy and Love." More than once, I was faced with situations where I had to choose grace, mercy and love. And although I failed often, I feel like I'm coming out on this end of the year with a greater understanding of how I can treat those around me with grace, mercy and love.

I can't believe the new friends I've made this year, too! There are so many of you that I can't even begin to name you each. I know I'll forget some! Your new friendships (and the friendships of your spouses and families) have been gigantic blessings this year! It has really been a year of new beginnings, and each of you is part of that.

And finally, this year has been especially important in my faith journey. So many of the friends I've met have blessed me with new perspectives and understandings of a God that is greater than we are. The faith of my friends (Christian and non-Christian alike) astounds me every single day. I have taken communion in a room where ages spanned more than 100 years and learned more from the children I get to see each week than I can fathom teaching them. I have continued to learn to "Be Still" (and even got a tattoo to remind myself!) in some of  my most frustrating moments and have found tools that help me to re-focus and center myself when I need to. I'm nowhere near where I hope I'll one day be, but 2013 sure has been an incredible year of growth for my faith.

So as I look forward to the new year that comes in just a few hours, I can only hope that the opportunities I've had, the friendships I've made and the transformations in my life over the past year will carry forward into 2014.

To 2014. Cheers! 

I'm Thankful. Now what?

Happy Thanksgiving! I know the story of the pilgrims and the Native Americans that is the "origination" of Thanksgiving, but I can't quite figure out how it's turned into one day a year where we eat a gigantic meal, sit around and list off the things we're thankful for and watch some football. I somehow think that the whole concept of "the first Thanksgiving" got a little warped and twisted in there.

I hear that Rev. Ben gave an awesome sermon on Sunday (which I didn't hear, since I was teaching) about what we do with our thankfulness. I can't tell you what all he said, since I wasn't there, but I'm going to venture out on a limb and say that he likely pushed people to do more than give thanks.

Giving thanks isn't enough. You can be thankful, but it's what you do with your thanks that matters. Thankfulness is an attitude, but for attitudes to mean much, there must also be an application. So what do you do or how do you act, because you're thankful. Really, there are only four things I need to list that covers them all...

1. My family. We may not always get along, but they love me, unconditionally. The love they have taught me is the love I bring to the table with others.
2. My friends. They are my rocks, my strength and my sanity. They push me to be a better person every single day. Because they keep me going, I can healthily and happily serve others.
3. My job. I love what I do. I get to work with the most awesome stylists, salon owners, receptionists and students in the world. And I couldn't ask for a better team of coworkers (who are also my friends). Every day, we get to help people feel great about the way they look while putting food on our tables. I live for the moments where I get to see a smile on the face of someone who feels just a little more confident.
4. My faith community. I seriously have the most incredible faith community surrounding me. It's not just the community within my local church, but also the extended community - other clergy, lay leaders, scholars and seminary students I've met along the way. They continue to challenge me, push me, support me and encourage me through my faith journey. Because of them, I am made a better, more thoughtful and more compassionate person every single day. The faith that they continue to feed is the faith that continues to feed my ministry and my call. 

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Bless you and may you be a blessing. 

I Wonder

My goodness! There are so many things I’ve wanted to write about, but life is so busy that it seems like there’s no time to write about any of them!

Today was Bible Sunday at our church. Each year, we give our preschoolers and 3^rd graders new Bibles. This year, we gave all of our younger kids (infants-preschool) a Bible, all of our Preschoolers and Kindergarteners a Bible, all of our 3^rd graders a Bible and all of the kids who hadn’t already received a Bible their age-appropriate Bibles. We gave out all kinds of Bibles today!

Ben had asked me help hand them out to each child, one by one. How cool it was to present some of our kids with their very first Bible! And it was SO incredible to see their reactions and excitement for their new book!

When I interviewed with our church Cabinet for in-discernment status, I was asked one theological question: “How do you view the Bible?” This morning, as I taught the Bible Sunday lesson to my preschoolers and kindergarteners, I thought that the lesson summed it up quite nicely. I adapted the original story for my kids and am adapting it even more for the blog. But loosely, it goes something like this:

“The Bible is a gift from God! It is full of the stories of God and the stories of the people of God! It was written for us by the people of God to help us understand the best ways to love God and the best ways to love others. The Bible can serve as a history book, telling about what others have done or as a roadmap, showing us what ways we should choose. But the stories of the people of God are a sacred (set apart) gift from God. They are ours. No one can take them from us. Our Bibles help us to tell the stories of God, but the stories also live in our hearts.”

At the end of all of our lessons, we ask the “I Wonder” questions. Today, it was “I wonder what your favorite Bible story is?” My kids’ answers? Jonah and the Whale, Advent, Creation, The Parable of the Good Samaritan…

It’s so cool to have to ask our kids to put away their Bibles for a few minutes during the story time. And incredibly humbling to watch them choose reading stories in their new Bibles as one of their activities during response time.

If I were teaching this lesson to adults, my last question would be “I wonder when we stopped getting so excited to read the stories of God?”

Shhh... Just Listen.

It seems like so often, we get so caught up in teaching people "how to" talk to God or pray or practice religion that we forget to teach them how to listen for God. If anyone ever tried to teach me that growing up, I either missed the point completely or was gone that Sunday.

Seriously.

I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they've prayed about this or that... For clarity, for answers, for direction. But, they say, they never get an answer! So why even try?! I think I'm going to just start answering their question with question. Well, did you really spend some time listening for an answer?

It was not until I started working with the preschoolers and kindergarteners at my church that I really learned how to stop and listen for God by being in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I have my friend Jenn to thank for that - she really helped me to understand how to listen. You've heard that "Be still and know that I am God" thing? Yeah. Try it some time!

The more I am mindful of taking the time to stop and listen to what God is trying to tell me, the more often I actually hear or experience what God is trying to tell me. Crazy concept, I know. I think that God is still speaking to us in many, many ways... Yeah, there are those giant revelations that hit like a brick, but there are also the small things: the little obstacles, the gut feelings, the worries and the fear. There's something to listen to in those, too. Sometimes, in the little things, there is greater revelation, for me, than in the big things. They are the reassurance, the guidance, the moral weight, and the peace that I find in small and every day decisions. But in order to benefit from the little ways that God speaks to us, we have to be willing to learn to listen to the little things and honor them.

So how do we listen? How do we listen for the little things? What is that process like?

1. Shut up. Seriously. Just shut up. If all the time you're spending with God is in worship services or in praying TO God, it's time to learn to shut up. Learn to just enjoy the presence of God, without an agenda... In the small and peaceful moments, first, and then work your way to the conflicted, chaotic moments. Enjoying the presence of God - which is seriously all around us - opens you to the idea of a God who just wants to be with you. Isn't it easier to listen to a friend when you're not talking or doing 700 other things? I thought so.

2. Learn that it isn't always what you think you want to hear and learn to honor that. Sometimes, when you're spending time with God, She may reveal things to you that you don't really like. I don't believe that God tests our faithfulness, but I believe that She asks us to be faithful. When you have gut feelings or obstacles that appear that seem like the opposite of what you're hoping for, learn to sit with those feelings. To welcome them. To recognize that there is something in them to listen to. And then learn that to honor those feelings, you must recognize them as equally valid as what you were hoping for. I'm not saying that you have to reject all logic and reason and follow those feelings if they are outlandish, but at least give them a chance. Don't just write them off. This was probably the hardest for me - and it's one I still struggle with at times - but it gets easier over time. Promise. And, if you're lucky, God will send you little reassurances... Friends with encouragement, a total feeling of peace, everything going right... Those are the easiest to honor.

3. When you've listened to those things and honored them, act on them. Step out in faith. Do it with the easy things first. Then work your way to the harder ones. I keep finding that the more I step out in faith and honor what I learn in the time I spend listening to God, the easier it becomes to do. The little things, like teaching Sunday School or chaperoning a Missions Trip turn to big things, like asking for in-discernment status and going to seminary. Yeah, the bigger things may seem scary or uncomfortable, but the rewards I've gained from listening to, honoring and acting on the smaller things make it easier to be faithful in the bigger ones.

Listen, honor, act. It's not that hard. You just have to be mindful of it. That's the hard part. Remembering to do it. I promise you - when you remember to listen, God will reveal things to you. They may be big, they may be small... But they will be yours.

Favorites

I have a lot of favorite days in the week. I realized that when I started to write this blog.

Sunday is my favorite day because it means lots of church stuffs going on! I get to start the day with my awesome, rockin' class of preschoolers and kindergarteners and explore the strange and mysterious ways that God communicates with us. And then in the evening, I get to gather with a group of my peers and deconstruct/reconstruct Biblical stories and truths in their historical contexts. Monday is my favorite day because it's chorus night. I get to see my girls, we get to sing... What else could I need?! Thursday! Thursday is my favorite day because it generally ends in coffee with Dillon. Coffee with Dillon is a standing appointment on my calendar and it's "The Ultimate Reset" for the middle of my week. Friday is my favorite day of the week because it is generally the one night of the week I have no papers or projects due (which is ironic, because tomorrow I have the first Friday assignment I've had due all semester) and the plans that I have are of my own choosing. Saturday is my favorite day of the week because it's typically the day that's calm and without a zillion things on the schedule. It usually holds one scheduled event - studying. Not saying I couldn't live without spending all my Saturdays studying, but it's nice to not be running like a chicken with my head cut off all day. =]

Hmm... I guess Tuesday and Wednesday are low points. Wow.

I don't even remember what I was really going to write about now. I got off on a rant (imagine that). Oh, well.. I guess I'll write about... Oh, wait. I remember.

Christmas. Christmas pageants. Church Christmas pageants. Church Christmas pageants and little kids. I know, it's April. But my mind is there tonight. We can blame coffee with Dillon for that one.

Last year, we pulled together an INCREDIBLY CUTE Christmas pageant at the church. Like, if your heart didn't melt, you just didn't have a heart, cute. This year, I think we should do something different. Change it up. Not the same thing twice. That's just not as fun. So Dillon and I were talking about different concepts of the Christmas pageant. I won't let the cat out of the bag just yet, but I've spent the last couple of hours on YouTube listening to some really fun, really cool and really precious Christmas music. And the concept of using some of this really awesome music for an adorable Christmas pageant with the kids is starting to come together in my head and I'm just a little bit wound up about it!

What that had to do with the favorites I started with, I'm not really sure, other than we started talking about it at Coffee with Dillon. Maybe I've had a little too much coffee a little too late? Yes. Maybe. Probably. Oooh, look! Shiny!

Also, if you haven't seen this yet, check it out! I love P!nk, but this makes me love her more! <3

Passions

I'm posting this from my phone for the first time, so you may have to forgive iPhone autocorrect errors or bad typing, we will see. :-) It's also important that I keep the following friend's identity under wraps, so you'll have to forgive the upcoming vague pronoun mess.

This week, I got to watch a long-time friend chase their dream with a passion that amazes me. I have never known this friend to settle, to give up or to take no for an answer. This was no exception.

As we sat at Starbucks and worked on a project, said friend shared with me some of the reasons that this particular dream was so meaningful. What was funniest? Everything I've watched this friend achieve with incredible intent to this point (and I've seen a lot - we've known each other since elementary school) will serve my friend in this one ultimate dream.

Even when faced with initial rejection, this particular friend made a few phone calls, said "I won't take no for an answer" and asked what it was going to take to get another chance.

I admire this friends passion. It doesn't only extend to their dreams and desires, but to their friendships and relationships with others. This is a friend whom I know, without a doubt, would be there for any friend in a time of need. The passion for others translates into some of the most compassion I've ever seen in one person. We should all strive to be that way!

So as I prepare to start school on Tuesday, I pray that my passion for ministry will continue to grow. That it will be just as strong as the passion of my friend. If I face rejection along the way, I pray that I will stand up to it and say "I will not accept this." And one day, I hope I'll look back and see that everything I have done has set me up to realize my dream of ministry. So thank you, friend, for being so passionate for so long. I appreciate your willingness to share this journey with me. You will do great things - I know it!