The Lens

This week, a couple of times I have had some really interesting conversations about removing our experiences from our faith to be able to share our faith with others. I still stand by what I've said: that you cannot remove experience from faith because our experiences are the lens through which we view our faith. Let me see if I can muddle these thoughts from my head into some sort of sense in black and white...

First of all, I should start with the fact that I don't think you can truly share your faith in a way that can be meaningful outside of relationship with another person. I won't knock on the door of a stranger and ask them to listen to me talk about this incredible God that I love. Sharing faith is meaningful when people are curious - curious about the God I follow or curious about the life I live. I'll continue to say I'm not a shove-my-God-down-your-throat kind of girl and I mean it. With all my heart.

So, when in relationship with others, if it comes up or if you ask me about it, I share my experience. It's not good enough to say I believe in the Christian God and leave it at that. In these conversations, there's an important why. And that why... It is the lens through which I view what I believe.

All the things I have experienced in my life - the joy, the peace, the heartache, the brokenness, the love - play into my experience of God. And as all of those things have happened, they have shaped the way I have come to understand who and what God is and how awesome her love and peace and divine presence is. So to remove those experiences of God from my faith, I remove the understanding of God I have formed and will continue to form.

Without those experiences, God is just a word... No meaning, no weight, no implications. But through my experiences of God, I have formed a deep, rich and meaningful faith. And I can share that with others. If I don't share with you my experience of God, I can't share anything about God, other than the word. So yes. My experience of God is the lens through which I view my faith. And if I remove that lens, I have nothing to share...

I Think We Missed the Point

You know what bothers me? Getting so wrapped up in the practice of our faith that we miss the point. Our faith really isn't about the church-y. In my world, it's about finding and trusting in the sacredness of things greater than us. Beyond our our imaginations and possibilities... If we're wrapped up in what we call it, the "gender" of the greater power or the rituals we need to go through to get to it, we've missed the point.

This is probably the disclaimer paragraph of this whole post. My name for the greater power is God. I come from the Christian tradition; that's what I grew up calling it. Does God need to be gendered? No. In fact, I often interchange pronouns for God, using both male and female pronouns or titles. I love the rituals employed by different churches, temples and mosques because they help me to feel closer and more connected to both God and the people who have or are walking their faith journeys, too. I love the symbolism and discipline found in the structure of many faith practices. I pray, I use prayer beads, I meditate, I love prayer labrynths, I go to church every week, I read and study the texts of my faith... But I also see God in many other places. The smile of a child, the comfort of a friend's embrace, the peace I feel when playing the piano...

Almost six years ago now (hard to believe!), there were a string of events that really led me to become open to experiencing the spirit in ways I hadn't before. Before that, I was a "practice-centered Christian" (I just totally made up that term). Saying the right words while praying, completing tasks like they were a checklist, singing Christian music and reading the Bible in a literal way were all important parts of what I needed to do to be a Christian. Or so I believed.

Several friends, Jenn in particular, helped me begin to get more comfortable with a new concept of this Christian faith that was so important to me. I began not worrying about the words I used when praying or not using any words altogether. I began listening for the feelings in the pit of my stomach, the voice in the back of my head... I started to see God not as this overpowering and chastising father figure, but as a loving, peaceful and supportive mother. The religious rituals I practice - baptism, communion, song, - became less about their concrete practice and more about the way they helped me feel connected to God or connected to the holy. I learned to use a prayer labrynth to quiet my spirit and listen, I began reading the Bible and asking myself what the morals or messages the authors were trying to get across, based on what we know was going on in the world at those times and I began figuring out that growing up, I'd often missed the point of what my faith really was all about.

And today, more than ever, I get super frustrated when I see friends who are struggling and getting hung up on those practice-centered things. All of those things are human-created ways to help us grasp and understand and live out this incredible sense of higher power that is sacred to us. We will all experience God (or Buddah or Yhwh or Vishnu or Allah or whatever we call that greater divinity) in different ways, in different places and in different times. Sometimes I just want to shake people and tell them to let those things go! To experience first and worry about how to do it and what to call it later! If it's about the things and the names and the "right" and "wrong" way to experience it, we've missed the point. Totally, completely and absolutely missed the point.

"Spiritual but not religious" is a whole separate blog issue, but in some ways I don't think those people have missed the mark that much. All the tools that we use within religions are just ways to help us experience, understand and grasp this concept that is so much greater than us... But if you took it all away, would your remaining faith still exist? Six years ago for me, it really didn't...

Shhh... Just Listen.

It seems like so often, we get so caught up in teaching people "how to" talk to God or pray or practice religion that we forget to teach them how to listen for God. If anyone ever tried to teach me that growing up, I either missed the point completely or was gone that Sunday.

Seriously.

I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they've prayed about this or that... For clarity, for answers, for direction. But, they say, they never get an answer! So why even try?! I think I'm going to just start answering their question with question. Well, did you really spend some time listening for an answer?

It was not until I started working with the preschoolers and kindergarteners at my church that I really learned how to stop and listen for God by being in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I have my friend Jenn to thank for that - she really helped me to understand how to listen. You've heard that "Be still and know that I am God" thing? Yeah. Try it some time!

The more I am mindful of taking the time to stop and listen to what God is trying to tell me, the more often I actually hear or experience what God is trying to tell me. Crazy concept, I know. I think that God is still speaking to us in many, many ways... Yeah, there are those giant revelations that hit like a brick, but there are also the small things: the little obstacles, the gut feelings, the worries and the fear. There's something to listen to in those, too. Sometimes, in the little things, there is greater revelation, for me, than in the big things. They are the reassurance, the guidance, the moral weight, and the peace that I find in small and every day decisions. But in order to benefit from the little ways that God speaks to us, we have to be willing to learn to listen to the little things and honor them.

So how do we listen? How do we listen for the little things? What is that process like?

1. Shut up. Seriously. Just shut up. If all the time you're spending with God is in worship services or in praying TO God, it's time to learn to shut up. Learn to just enjoy the presence of God, without an agenda... In the small and peaceful moments, first, and then work your way to the conflicted, chaotic moments. Enjoying the presence of God - which is seriously all around us - opens you to the idea of a God who just wants to be with you. Isn't it easier to listen to a friend when you're not talking or doing 700 other things? I thought so.

2. Learn that it isn't always what you think you want to hear and learn to honor that. Sometimes, when you're spending time with God, She may reveal things to you that you don't really like. I don't believe that God tests our faithfulness, but I believe that She asks us to be faithful. When you have gut feelings or obstacles that appear that seem like the opposite of what you're hoping for, learn to sit with those feelings. To welcome them. To recognize that there is something in them to listen to. And then learn that to honor those feelings, you must recognize them as equally valid as what you were hoping for. I'm not saying that you have to reject all logic and reason and follow those feelings if they are outlandish, but at least give them a chance. Don't just write them off. This was probably the hardest for me - and it's one I still struggle with at times - but it gets easier over time. Promise. And, if you're lucky, God will send you little reassurances... Friends with encouragement, a total feeling of peace, everything going right... Those are the easiest to honor.

3. When you've listened to those things and honored them, act on them. Step out in faith. Do it with the easy things first. Then work your way to the harder ones. I keep finding that the more I step out in faith and honor what I learn in the time I spend listening to God, the easier it becomes to do. The little things, like teaching Sunday School or chaperoning a Missions Trip turn to big things, like asking for in-discernment status and going to seminary. Yeah, the bigger things may seem scary or uncomfortable, but the rewards I've gained from listening to, honoring and acting on the smaller things make it easier to be faithful in the bigger ones.

Listen, honor, act. It's not that hard. You just have to be mindful of it. That's the hard part. Remembering to do it. I promise you - when you remember to listen, God will reveal things to you. They may be big, they may be small... But they will be yours.

Parables. They're Tough Little Boogers.

"I wonder if this is a parable? It might be. 

Parables are very precious, like gold. This box is gold.

This looks like a present. Parables are like presents.

They have already been given to us.

We can't buy them or take them or steal them.

They are already ours."

We've been talking about parables in Sunday School. They're tough little boogers! Especially for preschoolers and kindergarteners! What is this seemingly cryptic set of stories? And what the heck impact does it have on our faith? What was so important about these special stories? Why do we need them in our Bible? And how in the world am I supposed to explain this type of metaphor and allegory to kids this young?

According to Google (which,obviously holds absolute authority), there are precisely 46 parables in the Bible. According to my very, incredibly, meticulously accurate math, that equates to 9,439,872 possible interpretations or understandings of the parables. And according to the same mathematical principles, it will take approximately 4 lifetimes to reason through them all. So on I march, exploring parables. Because I do think there's something to them! 

All joking aside, though. Parables are tough. Their form and meaning is tough. Their translation had to be tough. And grappling with them, asking ourselves "what could Jesus possibly have meant by all of these" is tough. I've found that parables mean different things to me - I interpret them differently - during different situations in my life. Even the way parables are described have varied in my life.

Growing up, I was taught that parables are earthly stories with a Heavenly meaning. At first glance, that seems like a pretty simple way to explain something that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But lately, I've been digging into it a little more deeply. In Matthew 13, Jesus shares a parable with the people. After hearing it, the disciples ask Jesus why he speaks in parables. In different Gospels, there are different responses, but the basic answer Jesus always provides is that we might be able to see them or hear them, but in seeing and hearing them, we can't understand them. Only in exploring them within our hearts can we understand them.

Great. Just fabulous. Even Jesus says we can't just see them or hear them and understand them. Which brings me back to why the heck he even uses them in the first place! Why would Jesus set us up to fail with these things? Hmmm...

Could it be that Jesus was setting us up to wrestle with our faith? Could it be that he was teaching a lesson to be still and listen? Could it be that our faith isn't easy - another example of how hard following him can be? Could it be something else?

I don't have the answers - only the questions. But it's been interesting to explore them a little more deeply. Go read a parable or two. Dig around in the parables from the different books. See what you think. And share in the comments, because I love to hear new ideas!  

♫ Bring Your Peace Into Our Violence... ♫

Fourteen years ago today, I experienced the first tragic act of violence I can remember. I was nine years old and at school. I remember the office people coming through the school and closing and locking all of the doors in the building. It was a little out of the ordinary for our school, but nobody thought much about it. And then we got home that afternoon. We sat - Nick, Carley, Ashley, Josh, Kelsey and I - glued to the television, watching the news and listening to the unfolding reports of all that had happened at Columbine High School earlier in the day. It was the first time Shonna ever turned off what we were watching and actually MADE us play video games. We were all so shocked by it, we didn't play Sonic, like we usually did. We played Kirby. I remember wondering how that could ever  happen, how it could happen so close to home and why someone would be so angry or upset that they thought it necessary to take the lives of innocent people. To that point in my life, violence only existed where conflict existed.

Fourteen years later, trying to process all the unspeakable and senseless violence from the week, I still wonder many of the same things. How can this happen? How can this happen so close to home?  What motivates anger or hatred so strong that it becomes necessary to take the lives of others? I don't understand. I will never understand.

There's a Chris Rice song - normally a Christmas song - that has a couple of lines that have come to mind again and again this week. It's called Welcome To Our World... "Tears are falling, hearts are breaking.  How we need to hear from God..." and later "Bring your peace into our violence, bid our hungry souls be filled..." Isn't it funny how in the face of some of the most horrific violence, I often experience the deepest sense of peace?

Maybe that peace lies within the reminder that I am blessed to live in a nation where this sort of violence is not an everyday occurance. Maybe it lies within the hope that is renewed in watching communities come together to overcome it. Maybe my peace lies within  the refusal to believe that people are anything but inherently good. And maybe that peace lies within knowing that this time, it wasn't me and it wasn't my loved ones. Wherever that overwhelming peace comes from, I am incredibly thankful for it.

My prayers have been the same, all week long. After every act of violence and every tragic accident this week, I pray that somewhere, in the midst of the chaos and violence, we can find an inner peace. And I pray that we can respond to those who have fallen victim to these senseless tragedies, but also the perpetrators behind the tragedies from the smallest sliver of peace we can find within ourselves. I don't believe that we can respond to hate from a place of anger or hate. Really, then, what have we accomplished? It will only be perpetuated... But to respond from a sense of peace, saying "you will not take away our security..." That, my friends, is what wins.

How Am I Coping? I Have No Clue.

So much of Sunday's events are still a complete shock to me. This morning, I posted the letter I wrote in response to everything. Let me start by saying that I have been completely and totally overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from those who have taken a moment to read about what happened. Thank you. Your kind words really have meant the world to me. Almost every time I have checked my phone, there has been a new comment or message or email with kind and supportive words of encouragement. You are all so kind.

I never intended to share this story because I was looking for support... I believe that when assaults happen on our community, a public forum for working through it and healing is necessary. I don't have a large public forum and I don't know who the people at the tables around me were, so this is the best I've got.

As I continue to work through this whole thing and reflect on the lessons it can teach me, I feel like I'm being dragged on this roller coaster of emotions (cliche, I know). One minute I'm angry that it happened, the next I'm sad, the next I pity him and the next I have a sense of empowerment because of the whole thing. And the way I feel about most of it goes back and forth.

Right after it happened, I was okay with nobody standing up in the moment. A few  hours later, I became really angry about it. I'm not angry or upset or hurt or let down by it anymore... But it has really made me think. I have heard so many people say to me that if they had been there, they would have stood up for me in that moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that they wouldn't or that I don't believe them. But I thought I would've stood up in that moment. In a moment when hate speech was being tossed at someone, I was positive that I had the strength, backbone and conviction to stand up and shut it down. But when I was actually faced with it, I couldn't. What does that say about what I thought about my character?

I've had a lot of conversations with a lot of people over the last few days about the whole thing, but perhaps the one that was most healing to me was the Facebook conversation I had yesterday with the pastor from my parents' church. He and I have had some pretty major disagreements in the past, which ultimately led me to choose to leave the church where I'd grown up. Although we still were often at lunch together, we never spoke of the issue again. But yesterday, for the first time ever, he apologized. Not for the hurt that happened five years ago (because, in part, apologizing for that could seem like he was saying my being gay was acceptable in  his eyes), but for not standing up on Sunday to a bully. And that meant the world to me. I know (because I know him well enough) that the words and hate of the man Sunday were not a shared sentiment with Ken, but it was really good to hear it.

The other thing that keeps coming up, though, is the fact that so often, we see injustices in our communities and just wait for them to go away. That's really bothering me. Injustices don't go away. Hate doesn't go away. As a community, we have got to start doing something. We have to start understanding that unless we find a way to shut down and overcome hate or injustice, it won't go away! Hate is a powerful force, and unless there is something to stop it, it will only perpetuate and grow. We can't just wait for it to go away or it won't.

Maybe I'm crazy and maybe I'm spending way too much energy to process this, but I think our community needs to be able to heal and work through this. I spent so much of my life believing that things like what happened Sunday didn't exist in our community and it breaks my heart that I've had to face them and know that they do. Now, I just want to know what to do about it.

A Response To Hate

Dear Pastor [edited],

I met you Sunday afternoon at Chili's. We were the table next to yours and I was the girl sitting in the corner of the booth. There were some things I should have shared with you while we were together but didn't, so I though I'd write and share them with you now.

I understand your views on gay marriage and how upsetting it is to so many, like you. I am glad that you stood up for your convictions and exercised your right to get involved with your legislature and share your thoughts. I wish more people would pay attention to what is going on in our communities and stand up for their convictions.

Since I came out as lesbian eight years ago, I have heard a lot of rude, mean or ignorant things that have been said to or about me. And I've listened to every side of every argument on the issue that people have wanted to share with me. I have always been proud to say that I don't need people to have the same view on homosexuality and gay marriage as I do. My beliefs and convictions on the issue are firm, but I respect greatly those who disagree with me. While I don't share your views that my sexuality is a sin, I respect them and will gladly stand for your right to protect and express your view. My friends and family stand on almost every side of the issue and I love that. Sunday afternoon, the people at the table that I was with happen to share your views, not mine. While I'm not a member of their church, they are my family and friends and we have found ways to overcome our differences on the issue.

What I will not defend or condone, however, was the way that you share your opinion and views on Sunday. I've hear my fair share of strong opinions and respect them. But the way that you spoke Sunday was the first time in my life that I've ever heard outright hate speech. The use of words like fag and pervert were derogatory and discriminatory. The tone you used to share was degrading and less-than Christ-like. And the way you used the information that one among us was a pastor as permission to share your views on the subject without knowing us was absolutely appalling. Never in my life have I experienced such hateful, derogatory, discriminatory and degrading speech being directed to anyone. I've heard about hateful verbal assaults  but until Sunday, I'd never experienced it.

But Pastor [edited], the lesson that you taught me while standing and spewing hate at me I will always value. It was a great lesson in demonstrating Christ's love. Not because you were demonstrating it, but because the Christ I know, love and follow would have stood up to you and asked you to treat me with grace and mercy. He would have demonstrated compassion and respect, knowing that hate only hardens hearts. As I embark on my journey to ministry, Sunday's events will serve as a constant reminder of what it feels like to be belittled and bullied by a leader within the Church.

I regret that not one of us stood up to you Sunday to tell you that your hate is not welcome in this community. There is plenty of room your for your views and opinion, but there is no room for your hateful speech.

I pray that you'll seek manners in which you can express your views constructively, appropriately and respectfully, as our Christ did. Our God, the Prince of Peace, showed mercy even to those who nailed him on the cross, demonstrating our need to overcome differences and hate with grace, mercy, compassion and love. And I pray that if you'd like to discuss the incident or situation with me, that you'll find the courage to come to me, directly and respectfully. Because I am always glad to have open, honest and peaceful conversations about how we can better follow and demonstrate the love of our God.

In Christ's forgiving love,

Laura

Well That Sucked.

Today was one of those days where I said "Well that sucked" a lot. I'm just going to air my dirty laundry here for a second and make a list of the things that sucked today.

1. I got up late. 
2. Because I got up late, I didn't get to pack before I left the hotel this morning.
3. Mom came to get me before sales meeting started (which didn't suck), so I had to leave earlier and didn't get much for breakfast.
4. Mom and I packed my bags later very hurriedly. (This comes into play later.)
5. On a break this morning, I found out that a dear, dear friend passed away very, very unexpectedly on Thursday. 
6. I lost my pencil and had to do my homework in pencil so I had to go buy pencils. 
7. The rental car we had was not easy to see out of from the back and the two hour drive from Tulsa to Oklahoma City made me nauseous.
8. The security guy at the airport was a jerk.
9. The nausea from the car ride carried over to the plane ride and the turbulence didn't help.
10. Neither did the car ride.
11. I'm still nauseous.
12. The essay I just finished writing that was due tonight totally sucked. Probably one of the worst I've ever written.

I will not make a list of all the crap that sucked about today and leave it at that. So before I go to bed, I have to make a list equally as long of positive things.

1. Sales meeting was really fun and I learned SO MUCH!
2. We get to launch two lines in the next few months that I'm super excited to share with my salons!
3. I have some really incredible and really supportive friends!
4. Even though Bubba is gone, I got to have dinner with her a week and a half ago and the last thing I said to her before we got in our cars was "Love ya, Bubs!"
5. I'm home and I get to sleep in my own bed tonight!
6. I finally found coffee at the airport this evening!
7. The essay that was due tonight was a first draft, not a final, so I'll be able to go back and revise and rewrite before it gets graded!
8. I found some really cool meditative music this weekend that I've been playing before and while I study. It seems to be helping me stay focused!
9. I got a high B on the Psych test I took last night without studying and while traveling!
10. Wes left a welcome home note for us on the kitchen counter that made us all smile! AND he vacuumed! 
11. Despite the stress of it, I really am enjoying school!
12. This day is over and I can go to bed and start new tomorrow! 

Passions

I'm posting this from my phone for the first time, so you may have to forgive iPhone autocorrect errors or bad typing, we will see. :-) It's also important that I keep the following friend's identity under wraps, so you'll have to forgive the upcoming vague pronoun mess.

This week, I got to watch a long-time friend chase their dream with a passion that amazes me. I have never known this friend to settle, to give up or to take no for an answer. This was no exception.

As we sat at Starbucks and worked on a project, said friend shared with me some of the reasons that this particular dream was so meaningful. What was funniest? Everything I've watched this friend achieve with incredible intent to this point (and I've seen a lot - we've known each other since elementary school) will serve my friend in this one ultimate dream.

Even when faced with initial rejection, this particular friend made a few phone calls, said "I won't take no for an answer" and asked what it was going to take to get another chance.

I admire this friends passion. It doesn't only extend to their dreams and desires, but to their friendships and relationships with others. This is a friend whom I know, without a doubt, would be there for any friend in a time of need. The passion for others translates into some of the most compassion I've ever seen in one person. We should all strive to be that way!

So as I prepare to start school on Tuesday, I pray that my passion for ministry will continue to grow. That it will be just as strong as the passion of my friend. If I face rejection along the way, I pray that I will stand up to it and say "I will not accept this." And one day, I hope I'll look back and see that everything I have done has set me up to realize my dream of ministry. So thank you, friend, for being so passionate for so long. I appreciate your willingness to share this journey with me. You will do great things - I know it!