The End of an Era.

Six years ago today, my faith as I knew it came to a sudden, unwelcome, and crumbling hault. I was sitting at Qdoba with my then youth-pastor and in the middle of my perfectly delicious burrito (and before I even got to my cookie), one of my worst fears came to fruition.

I was being outed to my church. 

It wasn't a decision that I got to make, it wasn't a situation that I had any control in. I was called out, blindsided and totally powerless in revealing one of my deepest and most personal struggles to the group of people I feared sharing it with most. When the conversation ended, I thought we had agreed to carry forward in confidence and not share this piece of information with others, but to talk about it amongst the three of us.

The next morning, my phone rang and it was the pastor of my then-church. My heart sank and I knew where the call was headed. We agreed to meet for coffee, where my sexuality was compared to alcoholism and my faithfulness as a Christian was questioned. I was given a packet of articles from Exodus International (an ex-gay "ministry" which has since disbanded and publically apologized for their methods and views), which I agreed to read in it's entirety. The following Sunday, the legs of my faith were ripped off.

I was informed that I would no longer be allowed to sing on the praise team, teach Sunday School, help with Vacation Bible School, lead Bible studies, etc. until I "figured out" and "made right" my sexuality. I wasn't kicked out or asked to leave, but every single reason I had to stay was taken away.

I was formally and officially rejected by the church until I could get my sexuality "right." (My words, not theirs.) I was no longer good enough to actively engage in worship with them. 

There were a lot of things I wasn't sure about and a lot of my faith that I questioned, but I never doubted that God loved me, unconditionally and made no mistaking when She made me gay. I had a very difficult decision to make: to fight against the way I was being treated and knowingly cause division within the church I'd been a part of since the day it opened it's doors, or leave quietly and find a new faith community, where I would be accepted and loved, unconditionally.

It was likely the most difficult decision that I've ever made. The journey of finding a new faith community felt like it would never end, but I finally did. My new community has enriched me, inspired me, challenged me, frustrated me, broken me, and put me back together. But most of all, they have loved me.

Fast forward six years to last Wednesday night. Wednesday, January 22, 2014. A day I will not soon forget. At the annual meeting of our congregation, we voted to adopt an Open & Affirming Covenant. An official covenant where people are named as valuable, perfect and welcomed Children of God, just as they are. 

"We, First Congregational Church of Greeley, United Church of Christ, are an Open and Affirming congregation. We welcome people of every race, national/ethnic origin, language, sexual orientation, gender identitiy, age, family organizaiton, economic status, political belief, ability, faith origin or religious belief.

Our God calls us to create a sacred and safe place where all are loved as Jesus loved. We seek pace and justice for our church family, our community and the world."

Six years ago, I was formally rejected by the chruch I'd grown up in because of my sexuality. Six days ago, I was formally accepted by the church I've chosen as my own, embracing my sexuality.

As the the tally of votes were announced, 121 people in the room of 123 stood up for me, agreeing to love me, accept me, and value me. The overwhelming feeling of closure on formal rejection, the unconditional love I felt, and the validation that God cared about me, too, brought tears to my eyes. And as I wept, I knew that the era of hurt and rejection I'd walked through had officially ended. As much as I knew that I was loved and accepted before, it was a formal end to formal beginning.

First Congregational Church of Greeley, United Church of Christ, thank you. Thank you for spending six long years, putting the pieces back together and healing my hurt. You are my family. And you inspire me in so many ways. 

The Lens

This week, a couple of times I have had some really interesting conversations about removing our experiences from our faith to be able to share our faith with others. I still stand by what I've said: that you cannot remove experience from faith because our experiences are the lens through which we view our faith. Let me see if I can muddle these thoughts from my head into some sort of sense in black and white...

First of all, I should start with the fact that I don't think you can truly share your faith in a way that can be meaningful outside of relationship with another person. I won't knock on the door of a stranger and ask them to listen to me talk about this incredible God that I love. Sharing faith is meaningful when people are curious - curious about the God I follow or curious about the life I live. I'll continue to say I'm not a shove-my-God-down-your-throat kind of girl and I mean it. With all my heart.

So, when in relationship with others, if it comes up or if you ask me about it, I share my experience. It's not good enough to say I believe in the Christian God and leave it at that. In these conversations, there's an important why. And that why... It is the lens through which I view what I believe.

All the things I have experienced in my life - the joy, the peace, the heartache, the brokenness, the love - play into my experience of God. And as all of those things have happened, they have shaped the way I have come to understand who and what God is and how awesome her love and peace and divine presence is. So to remove those experiences of God from my faith, I remove the understanding of God I have formed and will continue to form.

Without those experiences, God is just a word... No meaning, no weight, no implications. But through my experiences of God, I have formed a deep, rich and meaningful faith. And I can share that with others. If I don't share with you my experience of God, I can't share anything about God, other than the word. So yes. My experience of God is the lens through which I view my faith. And if I remove that lens, I have nothing to share...

I Wonder

My goodness! There are so many things I’ve wanted to write about, but life is so busy that it seems like there’s no time to write about any of them!

Today was Bible Sunday at our church. Each year, we give our preschoolers and 3^rd graders new Bibles. This year, we gave all of our younger kids (infants-preschool) a Bible, all of our Preschoolers and Kindergarteners a Bible, all of our 3^rd graders a Bible and all of the kids who hadn’t already received a Bible their age-appropriate Bibles. We gave out all kinds of Bibles today!

Ben had asked me help hand them out to each child, one by one. How cool it was to present some of our kids with their very first Bible! And it was SO incredible to see their reactions and excitement for their new book!

When I interviewed with our church Cabinet for in-discernment status, I was asked one theological question: “How do you view the Bible?” This morning, as I taught the Bible Sunday lesson to my preschoolers and kindergarteners, I thought that the lesson summed it up quite nicely. I adapted the original story for my kids and am adapting it even more for the blog. But loosely, it goes something like this:

“The Bible is a gift from God! It is full of the stories of God and the stories of the people of God! It was written for us by the people of God to help us understand the best ways to love God and the best ways to love others. The Bible can serve as a history book, telling about what others have done or as a roadmap, showing us what ways we should choose. But the stories of the people of God are a sacred (set apart) gift from God. They are ours. No one can take them from us. Our Bibles help us to tell the stories of God, but the stories also live in our hearts.”

At the end of all of our lessons, we ask the “I Wonder” questions. Today, it was “I wonder what your favorite Bible story is?” My kids’ answers? Jonah and the Whale, Advent, Creation, The Parable of the Good Samaritan…

It’s so cool to have to ask our kids to put away their Bibles for a few minutes during the story time. And incredibly humbling to watch them choose reading stories in their new Bibles as one of their activities during response time.

If I were teaching this lesson to adults, my last question would be “I wonder when we stopped getting so excited to read the stories of God?”

I Think We Missed the Point

You know what bothers me? Getting so wrapped up in the practice of our faith that we miss the point. Our faith really isn't about the church-y. In my world, it's about finding and trusting in the sacredness of things greater than us. Beyond our our imaginations and possibilities... If we're wrapped up in what we call it, the "gender" of the greater power or the rituals we need to go through to get to it, we've missed the point.

This is probably the disclaimer paragraph of this whole post. My name for the greater power is God. I come from the Christian tradition; that's what I grew up calling it. Does God need to be gendered? No. In fact, I often interchange pronouns for God, using both male and female pronouns or titles. I love the rituals employed by different churches, temples and mosques because they help me to feel closer and more connected to both God and the people who have or are walking their faith journeys, too. I love the symbolism and discipline found in the structure of many faith practices. I pray, I use prayer beads, I meditate, I love prayer labrynths, I go to church every week, I read and study the texts of my faith... But I also see God in many other places. The smile of a child, the comfort of a friend's embrace, the peace I feel when playing the piano...

Almost six years ago now (hard to believe!), there were a string of events that really led me to become open to experiencing the spirit in ways I hadn't before. Before that, I was a "practice-centered Christian" (I just totally made up that term). Saying the right words while praying, completing tasks like they were a checklist, singing Christian music and reading the Bible in a literal way were all important parts of what I needed to do to be a Christian. Or so I believed.

Several friends, Jenn in particular, helped me begin to get more comfortable with a new concept of this Christian faith that was so important to me. I began not worrying about the words I used when praying or not using any words altogether. I began listening for the feelings in the pit of my stomach, the voice in the back of my head... I started to see God not as this overpowering and chastising father figure, but as a loving, peaceful and supportive mother. The religious rituals I practice - baptism, communion, song, - became less about their concrete practice and more about the way they helped me feel connected to God or connected to the holy. I learned to use a prayer labrynth to quiet my spirit and listen, I began reading the Bible and asking myself what the morals or messages the authors were trying to get across, based on what we know was going on in the world at those times and I began figuring out that growing up, I'd often missed the point of what my faith really was all about.

And today, more than ever, I get super frustrated when I see friends who are struggling and getting hung up on those practice-centered things. All of those things are human-created ways to help us grasp and understand and live out this incredible sense of higher power that is sacred to us. We will all experience God (or Buddah or Yhwh or Vishnu or Allah or whatever we call that greater divinity) in different ways, in different places and in different times. Sometimes I just want to shake people and tell them to let those things go! To experience first and worry about how to do it and what to call it later! If it's about the things and the names and the "right" and "wrong" way to experience it, we've missed the point. Totally, completely and absolutely missed the point.

"Spiritual but not religious" is a whole separate blog issue, but in some ways I don't think those people have missed the mark that much. All the tools that we use within religions are just ways to help us experience, understand and grasp this concept that is so much greater than us... But if you took it all away, would your remaining faith still exist? Six years ago for me, it really didn't...

The Holy Spirit's Movin, Y'All!

Hi, Blogworld! I missed you! It's been a little crazy lately (like it ever hasn't been; that's a total excuse). Tonight's blog might verge on the edge of repetitive to something I've already said, but there's a giant spider in my room that disappeared a few minutes ago and I haven't found it again, so I'm not willing to spend the time or reading power to look and be sure it isn't.

I need to preface this post with a little background so it all makes sense for you. I have always been a big believer that people will start searching for God or for a church when they're ready for and open to it. And that until they're ready for and open to it, even if they go or you share, it probably won't end in an incredible experience.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting at a barbecue and a family member remarked to her sister that they really needed to get to church and that they should go to my church because there were lots of kids there. I don't remember the specifics of the conversation, but it ended abruptly when I said that I was sure her sister knew where I went to church and that they were always welcome and that if she had any other questions about it, she knew where to find me, but shoving it toward them wasn't necessary.

Well guess what? Tonight, the sister called me and asked if she could drop the kids off for church tomorrow. And then she thanked me for standing up and saying that they would ask if and when they were ready.

Going to a new church or exploring the whole God thing can be scary if you've never been or haven't been in a while. Hell, it's scary even if you have. I remember searching for a new church after leaving the one I grew up in! Scary stuff! It takes some time just to get used to the idea of it, even before you act. And someone saying "you should..." isn't helpful. Not in my mind, anyways. "Hey, I want you to know that if and when you're ready to explore the possibility, I'd love to share my church with you" is less threatening and quite honestly, more inviting to me.

It's one of those trusting God issues. Sometimes, you just have to trust that the Holy Spirit will move within people to grant them the courage it takes to pick up the phone and ask or walk through a door. Or to seek out whatever they're searching for. Our job isn't to push or compel or motivate. Our job is to be there to welcome people in whom the Holy Spirit has moved.

Water and Wine

Every month at our church Cabinet meeting, we complete a task or discussion activity that aims to keep us mindful of our mission. Tonight, we had a discussion prompt. We worked in partners and were to give an example of when a church had turned water into wine for us and then an example of when a church had turned wine into water for us.

In John 2, there's a story where Jesus, his mom Mary, and Jesus' disciples are at a wedding. They ran out of wine at the wedding and Mary was freaking out to Jesus about it. Jesus basically told Mary it wasn't really his problem. Mary ordered the servants to do what Jesus said, so Jesus told the servants to fill all the jars with water and take it to the chief steward. To his pleasant surprise, when he drank from the jugs, the water had miraculously become wine. Yeah! Party on! 

So what's my water to wine? My most recent water to wine moment was on the missions trip last week. I didn't go with the expectation that I would be helping to lead vespers, to offer a prayer of blessing for a new garden or to prepare for a communion service. But I was given all of those opportunities. What I thought would be missions work and chaperoning youth was truly an opportunity for ministry I'd never gotten before.  It doesn't seem like much... But it went from being an ordinary day of work to a sacred time of preparing communion and peaceful prayer before vespers. In many of those moments, I felt closer to God than I ever had before. 

Digging into the wine to water was a little bit harder for me, though. I don't know that I'm ready to publicly share the first one that comes to mind (it isn't even the one I shared with Susan tonight). Maybe that's because it's still one I grapple and struggle with. Maybe because I know that it's one that would likely be taken the wrong way and unintentionally offend someone. And part of it is that it's hard to articulate how something that has been so sacred to me has slowly been pulled apart, thread by thread. 

But don't we have the most to learn from our wine to waters? Aren't the wine to waters the ones where division happens? Where people get hurt? Where disagreements come to surface? Where we have to let conflict be present?

Guess what?! Churches aren't perfect. Sometimes, we mess up. We turn what are really good and awesome things into not so awesome things. We get wrapped up in how awesome they are and how we could make them even more awesome, instead of letting them be what they are and we try too hard. So how do we avoid that? How do we know when to leave good things alone and not mess with them anymore? I don't really have the answers, just the questions... But I know that I have to explore that because I don't want to turn anyone's wine into water. 

Conversations Of God with Teens

I get to spend the next few days with a pretty awesome 16-year-old kid. I've known him for a long time and even though he sometimes has his moments, I love him dearly. Tonight, he asked what he would have to wear to church on Sunday morning when he goes with me. And then our conversation took an interesting turn.

I asked how often C goes to church and if he likes it. He likes church, so I asked what his favorite part of going to church was. Somehow (don't remember exactly how we got there) we started talking about wearing hats in church. He asked if it was wrong to wear a hat in church. I don't know about you, but I really don't think God cares what we wear to church. I told him that some might find it disrespectful to wear it, but that if he wanted to wear a hat to church, it would be okay with me. I didn't think God was going to be upset about it.

And then came the issue of cussing. Anyone who has been around me for any length of time knows that I have a mouth. Sometimes I try to hold my tongue more than other times, but I have a mouth. Here was C's explanation of the issue: someone somewhere along the way told me I can''t believe in God and cuss, but I do both.

Oh, dear child.... Here's the way I see it: We're humans. Language is required to communicate. And sometimes, we have to communicate strong, harsh and unpleasant things. So long as you're not using harsh and unpleasant language towards or about another person in a manner that is hurtful or disrespectful, sometimes, you just have to use it. Please don't get tripped up over this... I don't think it's a topic worth making a fuss over. BUT. On the other hand, your parents have rules regarding your language and I do expect that you follow them. And I will hold you to them. So don't think that you can go around saying whatever you want. You can't. But don't think that God's going to smite you if you say you've had a shitty day.

This is the thing that bothers me so often... Some people get so wrapped up in the things they think God sees as wrong that we forget to show people the awesome, cool and wonderful things about God. Like grace, mercy and love! And so what if we cuss? Doesn't mean God loves us any less! Doesn't mean we can't believe in God!

We talked a little more and C seemed upset that nobody else in his youth group ever seems to doubt God. That breaks my heart... In my eyes, part of being a spiritual leader means inviting people to wonder about God, doubt God and question God... In my faith journey, those points were the points where my understanding of God grew most deeply and profoundly. And because I have been allowed to wonder and doubt and question, I know in my heart of hearts that God is there. And always has been and always will be. But I had to find that conclusion for myself. Just like C will have to find that for himself.

It is not our job to spoon-feed our kids their faith. It is our job to live our faith, to demonstrate our faith, to be real and practical about our faith and it's application in our daily lives. To allow our kids to explore and question and to accompany them on that journey. That way, it's personal. It's real. Faith actually means something.

An Idiots Guide To Church Signs

You know all those church signs that you see on Facebook? The ones that are just downright witty? Or have spelling errors that totally change what you were trying to say? Or just didn't think all the way through the spacing and say something absolutely hilarious that they never intended? If you haven't, you're lucky that I included a few at the bottom of this post.

You know what drives me crazy in this town? Yep. You guessed it! Church signs! Sketchy theology and bad humor aside, sometimes I drive by and wonder exactly what someone was thinking when they came up with that stuff! Do people forget that for maximum reach and impact and desired results, you want the sign to invite people in your doors and see what you're all about? (Well... that gets into the "church walls" issue, which is a whole 'nother bag-o-worms that I'm not going into right now.) Because, to me personally, nothing says you won't be welcomed here like a sign that says homosexuality is a sin!

Lesson 1: Your church sign won't scare anyone into doing or believing anything. So stop trying! Seriously. "Johnny, we've got to go to church today! The sign outside said we're going to burn in hell if we don't!" said no one ever.

Lesson 2: Your sign is for inviting and informing, not scaring and excluding. If everybody's good enough for God's love and forgiveness, then everybody's good enough for the church. A sign that tells you who/what God isn't so fond of misrespresents the whole idea of God... God should start suing for defamation. He/She's a good guy/gal!

Lesson 3: Quit being so serious! It's a church sign. Nobody is going to pay attention to a church sign that says 

Jesus Loves You!

John 3:16

Sunday Worship 10am

But I guarantee you that they'll at least chuckle at a church sign that says 

God didn't create anything without a purpose.

But mosquitoes come close.

Lesson 4: People drive by your church every single day. Change the stupid sign once in a while! If you do and you keep it interesting, people notice. If it's always the same, they don't! 

Lesson 5: If your sign isn't piquing anybody's interest, it isn't making people wonder about you. If people aren't wondering about you, they aren't wondering about this super-awesome Jesus dude that we sorta kinda maybe like to share. So basically, why bother?

Here's your church sign checklist:

__ Avoids the Scare Tactic

__ Includes Something Interesting or Funny

__ Doesn't Exclude Anyone

__ Makes People Feel Welcome/Invited

__ Will Go Away in a Few Weeks

__ Isn't Offensive to People

And last but not least, I have to poke fun at a friend... Because it still cracks me up every time I see it. =]

Shhh... Just Listen.

It seems like so often, we get so caught up in teaching people "how to" talk to God or pray or practice religion that we forget to teach them how to listen for God. If anyone ever tried to teach me that growing up, I either missed the point completely or was gone that Sunday.

Seriously.

I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they've prayed about this or that... For clarity, for answers, for direction. But, they say, they never get an answer! So why even try?! I think I'm going to just start answering their question with question. Well, did you really spend some time listening for an answer?

It was not until I started working with the preschoolers and kindergarteners at my church that I really learned how to stop and listen for God by being in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I have my friend Jenn to thank for that - she really helped me to understand how to listen. You've heard that "Be still and know that I am God" thing? Yeah. Try it some time!

The more I am mindful of taking the time to stop and listen to what God is trying to tell me, the more often I actually hear or experience what God is trying to tell me. Crazy concept, I know. I think that God is still speaking to us in many, many ways... Yeah, there are those giant revelations that hit like a brick, but there are also the small things: the little obstacles, the gut feelings, the worries and the fear. There's something to listen to in those, too. Sometimes, in the little things, there is greater revelation, for me, than in the big things. They are the reassurance, the guidance, the moral weight, and the peace that I find in small and every day decisions. But in order to benefit from the little ways that God speaks to us, we have to be willing to learn to listen to the little things and honor them.

So how do we listen? How do we listen for the little things? What is that process like?

1. Shut up. Seriously. Just shut up. If all the time you're spending with God is in worship services or in praying TO God, it's time to learn to shut up. Learn to just enjoy the presence of God, without an agenda... In the small and peaceful moments, first, and then work your way to the conflicted, chaotic moments. Enjoying the presence of God - which is seriously all around us - opens you to the idea of a God who just wants to be with you. Isn't it easier to listen to a friend when you're not talking or doing 700 other things? I thought so.

2. Learn that it isn't always what you think you want to hear and learn to honor that. Sometimes, when you're spending time with God, She may reveal things to you that you don't really like. I don't believe that God tests our faithfulness, but I believe that She asks us to be faithful. When you have gut feelings or obstacles that appear that seem like the opposite of what you're hoping for, learn to sit with those feelings. To welcome them. To recognize that there is something in them to listen to. And then learn that to honor those feelings, you must recognize them as equally valid as what you were hoping for. I'm not saying that you have to reject all logic and reason and follow those feelings if they are outlandish, but at least give them a chance. Don't just write them off. This was probably the hardest for me - and it's one I still struggle with at times - but it gets easier over time. Promise. And, if you're lucky, God will send you little reassurances... Friends with encouragement, a total feeling of peace, everything going right... Those are the easiest to honor.

3. When you've listened to those things and honored them, act on them. Step out in faith. Do it with the easy things first. Then work your way to the harder ones. I keep finding that the more I step out in faith and honor what I learn in the time I spend listening to God, the easier it becomes to do. The little things, like teaching Sunday School or chaperoning a Missions Trip turn to big things, like asking for in-discernment status and going to seminary. Yeah, the bigger things may seem scary or uncomfortable, but the rewards I've gained from listening to, honoring and acting on the smaller things make it easier to be faithful in the bigger ones.

Listen, honor, act. It's not that hard. You just have to be mindful of it. That's the hard part. Remembering to do it. I promise you - when you remember to listen, God will reveal things to you. They may be big, they may be small... But they will be yours.

Parables. They're Tough Little Boogers.

"I wonder if this is a parable? It might be. 

Parables are very precious, like gold. This box is gold.

This looks like a present. Parables are like presents.

They have already been given to us.

We can't buy them or take them or steal them.

They are already ours."

We've been talking about parables in Sunday School. They're tough little boogers! Especially for preschoolers and kindergarteners! What is this seemingly cryptic set of stories? And what the heck impact does it have on our faith? What was so important about these special stories? Why do we need them in our Bible? And how in the world am I supposed to explain this type of metaphor and allegory to kids this young?

According to Google (which,obviously holds absolute authority), there are precisely 46 parables in the Bible. According to my very, incredibly, meticulously accurate math, that equates to 9,439,872 possible interpretations or understandings of the parables. And according to the same mathematical principles, it will take approximately 4 lifetimes to reason through them all. So on I march, exploring parables. Because I do think there's something to them! 

All joking aside, though. Parables are tough. Their form and meaning is tough. Their translation had to be tough. And grappling with them, asking ourselves "what could Jesus possibly have meant by all of these" is tough. I've found that parables mean different things to me - I interpret them differently - during different situations in my life. Even the way parables are described have varied in my life.

Growing up, I was taught that parables are earthly stories with a Heavenly meaning. At first glance, that seems like a pretty simple way to explain something that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But lately, I've been digging into it a little more deeply. In Matthew 13, Jesus shares a parable with the people. After hearing it, the disciples ask Jesus why he speaks in parables. In different Gospels, there are different responses, but the basic answer Jesus always provides is that we might be able to see them or hear them, but in seeing and hearing them, we can't understand them. Only in exploring them within our hearts can we understand them.

Great. Just fabulous. Even Jesus says we can't just see them or hear them and understand them. Which brings me back to why the heck he even uses them in the first place! Why would Jesus set us up to fail with these things? Hmmm...

Could it be that Jesus was setting us up to wrestle with our faith? Could it be that he was teaching a lesson to be still and listen? Could it be that our faith isn't easy - another example of how hard following him can be? Could it be something else?

I don't have the answers - only the questions. But it's been interesting to explore them a little more deeply. Go read a parable or two. Dig around in the parables from the different books. See what you think. And share in the comments, because I love to hear new ideas!  

Favorites

I have a lot of favorite days in the week. I realized that when I started to write this blog.

Sunday is my favorite day because it means lots of church stuffs going on! I get to start the day with my awesome, rockin' class of preschoolers and kindergarteners and explore the strange and mysterious ways that God communicates with us. And then in the evening, I get to gather with a group of my peers and deconstruct/reconstruct Biblical stories and truths in their historical contexts. Monday is my favorite day because it's chorus night. I get to see my girls, we get to sing... What else could I need?! Thursday! Thursday is my favorite day because it generally ends in coffee with Dillon. Coffee with Dillon is a standing appointment on my calendar and it's "The Ultimate Reset" for the middle of my week. Friday is my favorite day of the week because it is generally the one night of the week I have no papers or projects due (which is ironic, because tomorrow I have the first Friday assignment I've had due all semester) and the plans that I have are of my own choosing. Saturday is my favorite day of the week because it's typically the day that's calm and without a zillion things on the schedule. It usually holds one scheduled event - studying. Not saying I couldn't live without spending all my Saturdays studying, but it's nice to not be running like a chicken with my head cut off all day. =]

Hmm... I guess Tuesday and Wednesday are low points. Wow.

I don't even remember what I was really going to write about now. I got off on a rant (imagine that). Oh, well.. I guess I'll write about... Oh, wait. I remember.

Christmas. Christmas pageants. Church Christmas pageants. Church Christmas pageants and little kids. I know, it's April. But my mind is there tonight. We can blame coffee with Dillon for that one.

Last year, we pulled together an INCREDIBLY CUTE Christmas pageant at the church. Like, if your heart didn't melt, you just didn't have a heart, cute. This year, I think we should do something different. Change it up. Not the same thing twice. That's just not as fun. So Dillon and I were talking about different concepts of the Christmas pageant. I won't let the cat out of the bag just yet, but I've spent the last couple of hours on YouTube listening to some really fun, really cool and really precious Christmas music. And the concept of using some of this really awesome music for an adorable Christmas pageant with the kids is starting to come together in my head and I'm just a little bit wound up about it!

What that had to do with the favorites I started with, I'm not really sure, other than we started talking about it at Coffee with Dillon. Maybe I've had a little too much coffee a little too late? Yes. Maybe. Probably. Oooh, look! Shiny!

Also, if you haven't seen this yet, check it out! I love P!nk, but this makes me love her more! <3

How Am I Coping? I Have No Clue.

So much of Sunday's events are still a complete shock to me. This morning, I posted the letter I wrote in response to everything. Let me start by saying that I have been completely and totally overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from those who have taken a moment to read about what happened. Thank you. Your kind words really have meant the world to me. Almost every time I have checked my phone, there has been a new comment or message or email with kind and supportive words of encouragement. You are all so kind.

I never intended to share this story because I was looking for support... I believe that when assaults happen on our community, a public forum for working through it and healing is necessary. I don't have a large public forum and I don't know who the people at the tables around me were, so this is the best I've got.

As I continue to work through this whole thing and reflect on the lessons it can teach me, I feel like I'm being dragged on this roller coaster of emotions (cliche, I know). One minute I'm angry that it happened, the next I'm sad, the next I pity him and the next I have a sense of empowerment because of the whole thing. And the way I feel about most of it goes back and forth.

Right after it happened, I was okay with nobody standing up in the moment. A few  hours later, I became really angry about it. I'm not angry or upset or hurt or let down by it anymore... But it has really made me think. I have heard so many people say to me that if they had been there, they would have stood up for me in that moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that they wouldn't or that I don't believe them. But I thought I would've stood up in that moment. In a moment when hate speech was being tossed at someone, I was positive that I had the strength, backbone and conviction to stand up and shut it down. But when I was actually faced with it, I couldn't. What does that say about what I thought about my character?

I've had a lot of conversations with a lot of people over the last few days about the whole thing, but perhaps the one that was most healing to me was the Facebook conversation I had yesterday with the pastor from my parents' church. He and I have had some pretty major disagreements in the past, which ultimately led me to choose to leave the church where I'd grown up. Although we still were often at lunch together, we never spoke of the issue again. But yesterday, for the first time ever, he apologized. Not for the hurt that happened five years ago (because, in part, apologizing for that could seem like he was saying my being gay was acceptable in  his eyes), but for not standing up on Sunday to a bully. And that meant the world to me. I know (because I know him well enough) that the words and hate of the man Sunday were not a shared sentiment with Ken, but it was really good to hear it.

The other thing that keeps coming up, though, is the fact that so often, we see injustices in our communities and just wait for them to go away. That's really bothering me. Injustices don't go away. Hate doesn't go away. As a community, we have got to start doing something. We have to start understanding that unless we find a way to shut down and overcome hate or injustice, it won't go away! Hate is a powerful force, and unless there is something to stop it, it will only perpetuate and grow. We can't just wait for it to go away or it won't.

Maybe I'm crazy and maybe I'm spending way too much energy to process this, but I think our community needs to be able to heal and work through this. I spent so much of my life believing that things like what happened Sunday didn't exist in our community and it breaks my heart that I've had to face them and know that they do. Now, I just want to know what to do about it.

A Response To Hate

Dear Pastor [edited],

I met you Sunday afternoon at Chili's. We were the table next to yours and I was the girl sitting in the corner of the booth. There were some things I should have shared with you while we were together but didn't, so I though I'd write and share them with you now.

I understand your views on gay marriage and how upsetting it is to so many, like you. I am glad that you stood up for your convictions and exercised your right to get involved with your legislature and share your thoughts. I wish more people would pay attention to what is going on in our communities and stand up for their convictions.

Since I came out as lesbian eight years ago, I have heard a lot of rude, mean or ignorant things that have been said to or about me. And I've listened to every side of every argument on the issue that people have wanted to share with me. I have always been proud to say that I don't need people to have the same view on homosexuality and gay marriage as I do. My beliefs and convictions on the issue are firm, but I respect greatly those who disagree with me. While I don't share your views that my sexuality is a sin, I respect them and will gladly stand for your right to protect and express your view. My friends and family stand on almost every side of the issue and I love that. Sunday afternoon, the people at the table that I was with happen to share your views, not mine. While I'm not a member of their church, they are my family and friends and we have found ways to overcome our differences on the issue.

What I will not defend or condone, however, was the way that you share your opinion and views on Sunday. I've hear my fair share of strong opinions and respect them. But the way that you spoke Sunday was the first time in my life that I've ever heard outright hate speech. The use of words like fag and pervert were derogatory and discriminatory. The tone you used to share was degrading and less-than Christ-like. And the way you used the information that one among us was a pastor as permission to share your views on the subject without knowing us was absolutely appalling. Never in my life have I experienced such hateful, derogatory, discriminatory and degrading speech being directed to anyone. I've heard about hateful verbal assaults  but until Sunday, I'd never experienced it.

But Pastor [edited], the lesson that you taught me while standing and spewing hate at me I will always value. It was a great lesson in demonstrating Christ's love. Not because you were demonstrating it, but because the Christ I know, love and follow would have stood up to you and asked you to treat me with grace and mercy. He would have demonstrated compassion and respect, knowing that hate only hardens hearts. As I embark on my journey to ministry, Sunday's events will serve as a constant reminder of what it feels like to be belittled and bullied by a leader within the Church.

I regret that not one of us stood up to you Sunday to tell you that your hate is not welcome in this community. There is plenty of room your for your views and opinion, but there is no room for your hateful speech.

I pray that you'll seek manners in which you can express your views constructively, appropriately and respectfully, as our Christ did. Our God, the Prince of Peace, showed mercy even to those who nailed him on the cross, demonstrating our need to overcome differences and hate with grace, mercy, compassion and love. And I pray that if you'd like to discuss the incident or situation with me, that you'll find the courage to come to me, directly and respectfully. Because I am always glad to have open, honest and peaceful conversations about how we can better follow and demonstrate the love of our God.

In Christ's forgiving love,

Laura

Just Questions

A funny thing... My English book has been discussing the importance of a really good question. Tonight, I'm full of them. I've spent yesterday and today in a conference that's been put on by the Rocky Mountain Region of the United Church of Christ, called Congregations Alive. I went into the conference expecting to learn a lot of best practices, gain some new ideas for spiritual growth and leadership and meet a lot of people I've never had an opportunity to meet. What I've gotten are a whole lot of questions. And not the "how do we run our Sunday School" kind of questions. No. These are the "what is my purpose on this earth" questions, that have answers so complicated and different for each person that I may never figure them out.

A highlight of some of the things I've written down:

• Are the youth of this generation less sensitive to sacred or sensitive subject matters than the generations before them?
• One of the presenters suggested that our youth need to behave first, belong second and then believe. For this to work, it requires us to place community before theology. Do I agree that this is right or necessary or accurate? Why or why not?
• A keynote speaker this morning said "Change can happen when people believe it can happen and if they believe the effort is worth it." Are the changes we've talked about making worth it? Do we believe they can happen?
• How do we, as a faith community, encounter those who aren't part of our faith community in a way that they trust the story we want to share with them? CAN we encounter those who aren't a part of our faith community and help them trust the story we want to share with them?
• Are we using the right language for Spiritual Growth, Faith Formation, Christian Education... Does the language we're using reflect our values and model?
• Is it easier to love one another inside of a congregation? Why or why not?
• What is our church's love language?

I've done three workshops so far, with a fourth on the schedule for tomorrow. Yesterday, I started with Becoming A Youth Whisperer. We discussed the "dominant breeds" of teenagers and how we can find and address their needs, instead of trying to "fix" their dominances (the dramatic, the comedian, the victim, etc), among other things. In ConnectMORE, we talked about how the church continually responds to our changing culture. This morning's keynote, Marian Plant, used the image of a desert flooding after a drought to talk about how we create water flowing from our chancels, down our aisles and out the cracks beneath the doors into our communities. In Faith Formation, Christian Education or Other, we discussed how the use of language in the church affects what people expect and how they perceive faith formation/spiritual formation/Christian Education. In Reaching Those Disabilites: Both Cognitive and Physical, we discussed what we can do to be more inclusive of those who are differently-abled. 

Now do you see why I'm so overloaded? My mind is going a billion miles an hour. There is just SO much to process. I think this could take weeks... I'm also going to make a to-do list of things that I think we could benefit from doing or discussing as a church. Gah. So. Much. Information. 

I'm Leaving (Not) On A Jetplane!

And so it goes... Tomorrow I leave for my five-day break from the norm. Can I call it vacation? Probably not. Do I get to see a bunch of friends and learn a bunch of cool stuff about programs, leadership and resources within the church? Absolutely. Am I super duper excited about that? You bet. Will it be good to get away from here for a while? You know it will be. But getting to this point and getting ready to go has been super, super stressful.

I'm behind where I wanted to be on school (because I thought I could get everything but replies done for this week) before I left. I'm not behind, behind. I'll just have to work on school every night while I'm there... Unless I plan to stay up another five or six hours, which I don't plan to do. Although when I went in to do my math tonight, I was relieved that we've moved on to much easier stuff that makes tons more sense to me. I was having a hard time focusing on Sunday night and I'm kicking myself for it tonight. I finally have everything packed except the sweater that hang dries... Remind me again why I buy so many sweaters, since they all hang or flat dry?! And I needed to find and buy a brown shirt tonight. Let me tell you... Don't bother. They don't make brown shirts in the spring. You'll never find one.

Oh... And to top it all off, I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with something. Joy.

I'm so exhausted and so ready to have dinner with Bubba and Jeremy tomorrow night and then get out of here. It will be good to see Jer and his family this weekend, to spend time with Jenn, to get to know some of our church members better and to celebrate Joe and Inez' wedding on Saturday. But mostly it will be good to sleep. To get away from work and Greeley and all of it and just have a good time. That's what I'm most excited about. And to think... I come back on Sunday and do it all over again to go to sales meeting next weekend. That will be SO. MUCH. FUN.

NOT.

And anyone who knows me well knows how I love my shoes... I'm only taking two pair. 

Questions

Questions are incredibly powerful things. Knowing how to word a question or knowing what question to ask can give you incredible insight into a person's life, thoughts, passions and aspirations. Today, I asked a whole lot of questions. I was interviewing someone at work and asked questions. We had our first meeting as the new Spiritual Growth committee at church and I asked questions that gave me great perspective on where people were in their journeys right now.

A few weeks ago, I spent a couple of hours trying to perfectly construct a set of questions that I would present to the Spiritual Growth group. I wanted them to be very open-ended, inviting discussion, but not leading. I wanted them to be honest - with true meaning and designed to provide useful information. I wanted them to be neutral - with no right or wrong answer. Accomplishing all of that was harder than I thought it would be.

Well, I must have done well constructing these questions. I sent out seven questions in advance. I thought that tonight we'd get through all of the questions and move on to setting a couple of goals. We got through two of the questions. There was SO much feedback. SO many ideas shared and SO much rich discussion! We never got off-topic or sidetracked. And I came back with more notes about our responses than I imagined I could.

When I make a list of things I want to get through and have an agenda or plan, I'm a pretty big stickler to getting it all done. Tonight a little part of me feels like we didn't get much accomplished. After all, we didn't even make it half way through the list! On the other hand, though, the discussion and response was so rich and so telling that I feel like we accomplished a ton. I wouldn't want to have cut that conversation short.

I thought I was crazy for obsessing so long over asking the right questions. But I got what I wanted, so maybe the obsession was worth it....

We're Facebook Official

I suppose it's time to make it "Facebook Official." You know that time in a relationship where you're committed enough that you're willing to let all of cyberspace in on it? Yeah. It's where I'm at. I haven't really hidden it. But I haven't shouted it to the world yet. So here it goes:

I want to be a hospice chaplain.

Whew... That was so.... Not scary to write. The quick version of the story that led me here goes like this: after spending two years working in the funeral industry, I realized how much I love being with hospice patients and families as they're making their last precious memories together and reflecting on all that they've done. I've seen what a burden death and the dying process can be to families and what solace some find in it. I've seen the incredible strength and total brokenness in families on the worst days of their lives. And every single time, I am reminded how blessed I am to be able to support them in those times.

For several years, I have felt a strong calling to ministry, but it wasn't until this fall that all of the pieces "fell" together and made me have a pretty gigantic DUH moment. I didn't know what area of ministry I was being called to, but it was suddenly pretty obvious. I was being called to hospice and end-of-life ministry.

So, with the help, support and encouragement of a few close friends, wonderful clergy and a whole host of others, I'm setting out on this journey. Hospice Chaplaincy is no joke - seven years of school are ahead of me, but I'm looking forward to enjoying the path. And since I want to cherish this time and share my story as encouragement for others who might be on similar journeys, I am committing to writing my journey down. I might not make it every day - or even every week - but it's important to me. Some day, I want to look back and remember where I have been, where I am going and where I will be.

And this is just too funny to keep to myself: