An Idiots Guide To Church Signs

You know all those church signs that you see on Facebook? The ones that are just downright witty? Or have spelling errors that totally change what you were trying to say? Or just didn't think all the way through the spacing and say something absolutely hilarious that they never intended? If you haven't, you're lucky that I included a few at the bottom of this post.

You know what drives me crazy in this town? Yep. You guessed it! Church signs! Sketchy theology and bad humor aside, sometimes I drive by and wonder exactly what someone was thinking when they came up with that stuff! Do people forget that for maximum reach and impact and desired results, you want the sign to invite people in your doors and see what you're all about? (Well... that gets into the "church walls" issue, which is a whole 'nother bag-o-worms that I'm not going into right now.) Because, to me personally, nothing says you won't be welcomed here like a sign that says homosexuality is a sin!

Lesson 1: Your church sign won't scare anyone into doing or believing anything. So stop trying! Seriously. "Johnny, we've got to go to church today! The sign outside said we're going to burn in hell if we don't!" said no one ever.

Lesson 2: Your sign is for inviting and informing, not scaring and excluding. If everybody's good enough for God's love and forgiveness, then everybody's good enough for the church. A sign that tells you who/what God isn't so fond of misrespresents the whole idea of God... God should start suing for defamation. He/She's a good guy/gal!

Lesson 3: Quit being so serious! It's a church sign. Nobody is going to pay attention to a church sign that says 

Jesus Loves You!

John 3:16

Sunday Worship 10am

But I guarantee you that they'll at least chuckle at a church sign that says 

God didn't create anything without a purpose.

But mosquitoes come close.

Lesson 4: People drive by your church every single day. Change the stupid sign once in a while! If you do and you keep it interesting, people notice. If it's always the same, they don't! 

Lesson 5: If your sign isn't piquing anybody's interest, it isn't making people wonder about you. If people aren't wondering about you, they aren't wondering about this super-awesome Jesus dude that we sorta kinda maybe like to share. So basically, why bother?

Here's your church sign checklist:

__ Avoids the Scare Tactic

__ Includes Something Interesting or Funny

__ Doesn't Exclude Anyone

__ Makes People Feel Welcome/Invited

__ Will Go Away in a Few Weeks

__ Isn't Offensive to People

And last but not least, I have to poke fun at a friend... Because it still cracks me up every time I see it. =]

This One Time at KFC

Tamie told me she was truly disappointed that I never shared this story on Facebook, so I'm giving it a whole blog post. This one's for you, Tamie!

A few weeks ago, I went to KFC for lunch. I was going back to work to eat, so I opted for the drive-thru. I ordered, pulled forward, gave the girl my money, got my food and then looked at the change the girl had given me. My total was $9.58. I gave the girl a $10 bill. She gave me $4 change. 

I have to balance a cash register every day. I try really hard to get it perfect every time, but some days I miss something. I'm only human. I'm bound to make a mistake. So I gave the girl the benefit of the doubt. I told her she gave me too much change.

Me: "I think you gave me too much change."

Her: "Did I give you $4?"

Me: "Yes, but wasn't my total $9.58?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "And I gave you $10.58."

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Then you gave me too much change."

Her: "No, I didn't."

Me: "What's $9.58 plus $4?"

Her: "$13.58."

Me: "Did I give you $13.58?"

Her: "No, you gave me $10.58."

Me: "Okay, then what should my change have been?"

Her: "$4."

Me: *facepalm*

And then I gave up. I took my $3 extra and just gave up. Seriously? How can you be that bad at figuring out change and be allowed to work a cash register? Don't employers question a person's ability to count before hiring? For Pete's sake, we ask our potential hires to close out a cash drawer! 

There's no real point to the story other than that some people just shouldn't be allowed to do things. And for the love of all things holy, please! If you have a business where you have a cash drawer, teach your employees how to figure and count change without a machine! It's not that hard! 

Shhh... Just Listen.

It seems like so often, we get so caught up in teaching people "how to" talk to God or pray or practice religion that we forget to teach them how to listen for God. If anyone ever tried to teach me that growing up, I either missed the point completely or was gone that Sunday.

Seriously.

I cannot tell you how many people have told me that they've prayed about this or that... For clarity, for answers, for direction. But, they say, they never get an answer! So why even try?! I think I'm going to just start answering their question with question. Well, did you really spend some time listening for an answer?

It was not until I started working with the preschoolers and kindergarteners at my church that I really learned how to stop and listen for God by being in the presence of the Holy Spirit. I have my friend Jenn to thank for that - she really helped me to understand how to listen. You've heard that "Be still and know that I am God" thing? Yeah. Try it some time!

The more I am mindful of taking the time to stop and listen to what God is trying to tell me, the more often I actually hear or experience what God is trying to tell me. Crazy concept, I know. I think that God is still speaking to us in many, many ways... Yeah, there are those giant revelations that hit like a brick, but there are also the small things: the little obstacles, the gut feelings, the worries and the fear. There's something to listen to in those, too. Sometimes, in the little things, there is greater revelation, for me, than in the big things. They are the reassurance, the guidance, the moral weight, and the peace that I find in small and every day decisions. But in order to benefit from the little ways that God speaks to us, we have to be willing to learn to listen to the little things and honor them.

So how do we listen? How do we listen for the little things? What is that process like?

1. Shut up. Seriously. Just shut up. If all the time you're spending with God is in worship services or in praying TO God, it's time to learn to shut up. Learn to just enjoy the presence of God, without an agenda... In the small and peaceful moments, first, and then work your way to the conflicted, chaotic moments. Enjoying the presence of God - which is seriously all around us - opens you to the idea of a God who just wants to be with you. Isn't it easier to listen to a friend when you're not talking or doing 700 other things? I thought so.

2. Learn that it isn't always what you think you want to hear and learn to honor that. Sometimes, when you're spending time with God, She may reveal things to you that you don't really like. I don't believe that God tests our faithfulness, but I believe that She asks us to be faithful. When you have gut feelings or obstacles that appear that seem like the opposite of what you're hoping for, learn to sit with those feelings. To welcome them. To recognize that there is something in them to listen to. And then learn that to honor those feelings, you must recognize them as equally valid as what you were hoping for. I'm not saying that you have to reject all logic and reason and follow those feelings if they are outlandish, but at least give them a chance. Don't just write them off. This was probably the hardest for me - and it's one I still struggle with at times - but it gets easier over time. Promise. And, if you're lucky, God will send you little reassurances... Friends with encouragement, a total feeling of peace, everything going right... Those are the easiest to honor.

3. When you've listened to those things and honored them, act on them. Step out in faith. Do it with the easy things first. Then work your way to the harder ones. I keep finding that the more I step out in faith and honor what I learn in the time I spend listening to God, the easier it becomes to do. The little things, like teaching Sunday School or chaperoning a Missions Trip turn to big things, like asking for in-discernment status and going to seminary. Yeah, the bigger things may seem scary or uncomfortable, but the rewards I've gained from listening to, honoring and acting on the smaller things make it easier to be faithful in the bigger ones.

Listen, honor, act. It's not that hard. You just have to be mindful of it. That's the hard part. Remembering to do it. I promise you - when you remember to listen, God will reveal things to you. They may be big, they may be small... But they will be yours.

There's A Theme to Vacation

For those who don't know the story of how my brother came to our family, here is the abridged version: My senior year, there was a Chinese foreign exchange student who had multiple host homes fall through and nowhere to live. I'd never met him, but felt bad for the kid, so I went home after rehearsal one night and asked if we could give the kid a place to stay for a couple of nights. In a matter of an hour, we had decided not only to let him stay, but to let him stay for the entire year. We knew nothing about him, other than the fact that he was a junior and played the violin. It was a Thursday night. We didn't have a bedroom for him. That weekend, we made a bedroom. Sunday night the exchange coordinator brought him to meet us and Monday they literally dropped him off on our doorstep. Most kids bring home dogs and ask to keep them. I brought home a Chinese kid.

By the end of the year, Kevin was part of our family. He had a sister and American parents and we had a Chinese brother & son. I'm not too macho to admit that I started crying when we pulled out of the driveway the day he flew home. Fast forward two years and we flew out to Sate College, PA to get him set up for college at Penn State. He came home for Christmas or Thanksgiving every year. And two years ago, his mom came home with him for Christmas.

This weekend (time flies), Kevin graduated from Penn State. It seemed only appropriate that we were there for graduation - after all, he's the brother/son. So we came. His Chinese parents were there, too. It was great to see mom again and great to finally meet dad.

When we got here Thursday, Kevin took us around campus and showed us some of his favorite places, then took us to the Nittany Lion Inn for dinner. The Nittany Lion Inn is a beautiful, historic hotel & restaurant on the oldest part of campus. The architecture of the building has been well-preserved and is absolutely beautiful. The menu is full of classics - all with a modern twist. Dinner was absolutely divine.

Yesterday was a very busy day. We started with breakfast at The Waffle Shop, a family-owned place with a great breakfast r. I'm told I missed out on the best omlettes, but it's called The Waffle Shop! I ordered waffles! After, we walked around campus and took family photos of Kevin in his "robe and crown." That's where Kevin's mom, Ling, really cracked me up. She insisted on lots of photos with her and I and nobody else. Yep. I have a Chinese mom.

Lunch reservations were at a little modern cafe called Zola. The burger dad ordered was bigger than his head. My crab cake was incredible and both moms had a chicken panini that had carmelized onion and Gouda cheese. Delish. After a short nap, we went to graduation! There were 1100+ students graduating from the engineering school, but I was impressed with how efficiently and quickly the ceremony ran. Never have I been more proud of anyone than I was of my brother as he walked across that stage last night.

After, we went out to a traditional Chinese dinner (at midnight, mind you). Are you starting to see a theme to this vacation? Yeah. Me too. Good thing we did so much walking and calorie burning yesterday.

We said goodbye to our boy last night, knowing that he will likely be home this summer. But we probably won't see long and Yi (the Chinese parents) for a long time again. And that makes me sad. Because, you know, family isn't always blood. Sometimes, family are the people you trust and love and help through anything, no matter what. Kevin is my family. And because Kevin is my family, Ling and Yi are also my family. I'm proud to say that I have parents in two different continents, two different cultures and two different families. Because you can never have enough family.

Parables. They're Tough Little Boogers.

"I wonder if this is a parable? It might be. 

Parables are very precious, like gold. This box is gold.

This looks like a present. Parables are like presents.

They have already been given to us.

We can't buy them or take them or steal them.

They are already ours."

We've been talking about parables in Sunday School. They're tough little boogers! Especially for preschoolers and kindergarteners! What is this seemingly cryptic set of stories? And what the heck impact does it have on our faith? What was so important about these special stories? Why do we need them in our Bible? And how in the world am I supposed to explain this type of metaphor and allegory to kids this young?

According to Google (which,obviously holds absolute authority), there are precisely 46 parables in the Bible. According to my very, incredibly, meticulously accurate math, that equates to 9,439,872 possible interpretations or understandings of the parables. And according to the same mathematical principles, it will take approximately 4 lifetimes to reason through them all. So on I march, exploring parables. Because I do think there's something to them! 

All joking aside, though. Parables are tough. Their form and meaning is tough. Their translation had to be tough. And grappling with them, asking ourselves "what could Jesus possibly have meant by all of these" is tough. I've found that parables mean different things to me - I interpret them differently - during different situations in my life. Even the way parables are described have varied in my life.

Growing up, I was taught that parables are earthly stories with a Heavenly meaning. At first glance, that seems like a pretty simple way to explain something that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But lately, I've been digging into it a little more deeply. In Matthew 13, Jesus shares a parable with the people. After hearing it, the disciples ask Jesus why he speaks in parables. In different Gospels, there are different responses, but the basic answer Jesus always provides is that we might be able to see them or hear them, but in seeing and hearing them, we can't understand them. Only in exploring them within our hearts can we understand them.

Great. Just fabulous. Even Jesus says we can't just see them or hear them and understand them. Which brings me back to why the heck he even uses them in the first place! Why would Jesus set us up to fail with these things? Hmmm...

Could it be that Jesus was setting us up to wrestle with our faith? Could it be that he was teaching a lesson to be still and listen? Could it be that our faith isn't easy - another example of how hard following him can be? Could it be something else?

I don't have the answers - only the questions. But it's been interesting to explore them a little more deeply. Go read a parable or two. Dig around in the parables from the different books. See what you think. And share in the comments, because I love to hear new ideas!